Blog – Debbie L. Conley, LCSW

School's In!

Come Monday, April 50th, many schools will be welcoming students back to in person learning. For many students this is the first time they have been back to their school since last year. For others, it is the first time back for 5 days a week of in person learning. Many kids are excited about this. They cannot wait to reconnect with friends and teachers. Their biggest complaint is having to actually wear clothes to school instead of their pajamas! For other kids, their feelings run the gamut from ambivalence to terror. In my practice with kids, some have told me they feel like they will be re-experiencing the first day of school all over again. Some are used to the smaller class sizes if they were participating in Hybrid Learning. They worry about being around so many kids again due to social anxiety.

Reflections from a Mental Health Therapist on 2020

Much has been discussed about the toll this year has taken on all of us. The Latin phrase “annus horribilis”, translated “a horrible year” probably best sums it up. When the New Year’s Eve Ball dropped in Time Square on December 31st, ushering in a new decade, few of us envisioned the mess we find ourselves in. A New Year usually means New Year’s Resolutions of weight loss, or exercising more, going back to school and other such life changes. Surely, we did not anticipate “keeping our mask on” or “social distancing” as a New Year’s Resolution; and at that, ones we had to follow through on! The physical, emotional, spiritual and financial toll this pandemic has had on all of us cannot be underestimated. Certainly, some have suffered more than others. Adding to the chaos, it was an Election Year. Politics and the Medical field merged like we have never seen before. Trust in both took a nosedive.

Covid-19 Resources for Families

Quarantine is a crazy time! We’re going to be in our homes with our families for another month, but we’re doing it for the good of society. Until we can figure out a way to protect ourselves and our loved ones from this new disease, we have to take actions that change the normal flows of our lives. But what actions do we take to stay sane in this insane time? What should we do when our ‘normal lives’ aren’t normal? What if something major happens in our personal lives? I’ve made a list of websites that I found that are filled with resources specifically for dealing with life’s ups and downs during this Corona pandemic. They stretch from helping kids adjust to the new normal to the new school format. There’s even articles for what to do if you’re going through the death of a family member or are a divorced or divorcing couple. Please use and share these resources with family and friends.

Parenting During the Coronavirus Outbreak

The Coronavirus is causing stress, panic and uncertainty for many adults around the world. Think of how overwhelming this is for children. Kids thrive on routine, structure and predictability. We have anything but that right now. You only have to turn on any television station, view your social media headlines on your phone or walk into a grocery store to figure out we are in unchartered territory. School and all extra-curricular events are cancelled for all our kids and they are repeatedly being asked to wash their hands and not get too close to their friends. This is a lot for kids to deal with and especially difficult for kids who have underlying anxiety. The following are some ideas for parents and caregivers to help their kids during this uncertain time:

Anxiety in Children

According to The Journal of Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics, there was a 20 percent increase in the diagnosis of anxiety in children between 2007 and 2012. Every day at my practice, I see kids who struggle with anxiety. Anxiety in children is associated with feelings of not being safe or protected. In his book, Modular Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Childhood Anxiety Disorders, Bruce E. Chorpita, PhD, discusses several factors that are present in children who have anxiety. First is negative affectivity. These children have a heightened sensitivity to negative events or threatening information and get upset or worried more easily than other children. This is an early temperament trait and puts a child at risk to experience negative emotions. (Gray & McNaughton, 1996).

What Will Your Children Remember of the Holidays?

Another holiday season is here. We are bombarded with marketing tactics to buy the latest gadget or search for the lowest price or sprint for the new “IT TOY” this season. Holiday madness or Holiday gladness? Which one will you choose? Memories are very powerful. They are encoded in our brains and strongly influence our lives. When our children look back on their childhood holiday memories, what do we want them to remember? Despite our efforts to get the perfect toy or video game, etc. for our children, most can’t even remember what it was that they received last year for the holidays.

And We're Off!!!

For many of us, school started today. Some kids were already back last week. This brings a myriad of emotions for both parents and kids, although vastly different ones to be sure!! How can we make this year successful for our kids? For the lucky ones, repeat what was done last year. If it’s not broke, don’t fix it. For some of us, we may have to tweak a few things. For others, a complete overhaul may be needed. I have spent the last month in my practice helping kids and parents gear up for a successful school year. I thought it would be helpful to share some things that can make a positive impact.

Unfinished Stories

Given the tragic suicides of two celebrities this week, Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, I felt it necessary to address the topic of suicide. In my practice, I see many children who are depressed as well as many depressed parents. The statistics are sobering. Suicide is on the rise in all racial and ethnic groups, in both men and women, in rural and city areas. The increase is in all age groups except those over 75. Since 1999, the suicide rate is up 30 % according to the Center for disease Control and Prevention. Suicide is the second largest cause of death in college age youth and kids 12-18. The suicide rate among young children 10-14 years old doubled from 2007 to 2014, according to the CDC.

Parental Expectations, Childhood Anxiety and Self Esteem: What is the Connection?

It seems to be that no matter what age children are, parental expectations come into play. When children are infants we expect them to sleep through the night at some point! When they are around 1 years old, we expect them to begin to walk , later on toilet train and God forbid they are not reading by Kindergarten! The list goes on and on. Parental Expectations. There is nothing wrong with them. We expect our children to be polite, share, do homework, help around the house etc…What if these expectations are not developmentally appropriate? What is the expectations are unrealistic? What if they cause undue stress? Sometimes as parents, we may not even know we are creating this stress. Think back to your own childhood. What expectations were placed on you by your parents or caregivers?

Helping Children Cope with Death

Recently, in the midst of this beautiful summer, there have been several families that have been coping with the loss of young family members. None of us live forever, but most of us expect to live a long life. When or if we have the opportunity to discuss death with our children, we usually say something like, “When people get old and their bodies don’t work well anymore, they die”. But what if this is not what happens? We are all thrown off kilter when life throws us a curve ball and doesn’t follow the normal sequence. It is difficult enough for adults to deal with the loss of a young person, but is more difficult for children. How do we deal with our own grief and help them as well?

Consistency: What’s the Big Deal?

I’ll admit it. It’s the end of the school year. We are all running out of steam, kids, parents, and I’m sure we can add teachers to the mix as well. Do we really have to finish strong? Let me be clear. There is a difference in being flexible and being consistent. Sometimes we just can’t get to school on time, or miss a homework assignment. Life happens. That is different from being inconsistent and all over the place. Kids thrive on predictability. They like to know what comes next. They need to know what is expected of them. Kids also need to know we as parents and caregivers will do what we say. Kids don’t act like they want or need limits but they do!! When we say “if you do that one more time……”

What Can Parents Expect When They Bring Their Child to Therapy?

One topic I have been eager to educate parents about is what parents can expect when they bring their child to therapy. Every therapist has their own style and practices differently and has their own unique style. I can only speak for how I have chosen to practice. First, I made the choice to only see children 13 and under. (Occasionally I will see kids up to 16). In my practice, I meet with the child’s parents without the child for the first session. I want to hear from them what brought them here, why now, and what are they hoping to accomplish by bringing their child for therapy. I make them aware that they will be a big part of their child succeeding in therapy. I see their child one hour a week. They are with them the remaining 167 hours!! They will need to implement and support strategies we work on in therapy.

Making the Decision to Bring Your Child to Therapy

How do I even know my child needs therapy? Let me talk about making the decision to bring your child to therapy. For some parents, it’s an easy decision. They may have been receiving phone calls from school “strongly recommending” they seek counseling for their child. Other parents may be given the suggestion from their pediatrician. Some reasons you may consider bringing your child to therapy can be that your child’s behavior is interfering with his or her quality of life. The following list will give you some examples.

Welcome!

Hi! Welcome to my Blog. I hope this will be an informative place where you can get information on parenting issues that affect your family. First, so you know a little about me. I have been a therapist for over 25 years. I have worked in two Trauma Centers, a Burn Unit and a Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. I have also worked for 12 years for The Children’s Advocacy Center with children who have experienced physical and sexual abuse. Currently, I have my own private practice and work with The Kane County Advocacy Center. I also work with The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children.